3/16/14 - Sleep

Missed my Saturday journal, but tried to get to bed at a reasonable(ish) hour. Didn't wake up easily in the morning, was very tired, stomach hurt and didn't want to get up. Slept through most of day, until evening. Took care of baby, put him to bed, played game most of evening. Did not sleep.

3/14/14 - Pi

Woke up a little before noon to baby crying, had really hard time getting out of bed. Was starting to feel like it would be one of those days and despite prodding from S.O., couldn't seem to muster the motivation. Found myself slipping into self-pity, shame, thoughts of worthlessness, was puzzling over what exactly my motivation was composed of and what it would take to turn it back on. Eventually took a deep breath, shut off my mind, and started giving myself itty bitty goals to reach.

Just stand up and get out of bed, do you think you can do that? No, too much? Okay, let's just try propping yourself up a bit. Take your time.... there you go! Good. Now we're going to roll over. Whenever you're ready. Great job! Okay, now let's stand up...

I did this step by step until I got enough momentum to be able to tackle larger goals, and eventually it faded to the background and I moved into a rhythm for the day. I puttered away most of the afternoon, and only got moving to get errands run when I only had an hour left to get to the post office. But I pulled it off. One big check mark on the to-do list.

Later put baby to bed, watched TV show with S.O., and committed to go to bed after listing an item on Ebay. The quick task turned into a few hours of trying to decide whether to post it or not, talking to a friend to help decide what I should do, and being generally indecisive. Decided I should probably give up when it was already silly late to go to bed.

3/13/14 - Bored

Woke up later today, but enough to have a few hours with the baby, put him to bed. He's getting more difficult at bedtime, screams and cries when toys are put away.

I feel like I didn't get much done. I browsed online and did a little work on customs, but the whole world seemed quiet around me. I started a project, just for the hell of it, because it was an issue that was bothering me and I wanted to do something about it. It seems to have a lot of interest, even overnight. I feel nervous about that fact, like I'll let people down if it isn't successful.

I'm going to bed. I'm a little tired, but I'm more bored and just feel like laying down.

3/12/14 - Exhaustion

S.O. came in to apologize right before I went to sleep. I admitted I was completely exhausted with our continuous and seemingly pointless back and forth arguments. It was very frustrating, and tiring.

Having gone to sleep in the morning, I woke up later in the afternoon after the baby woke up from his nap. He was content to play, while I got to business. I managed to keep my pace going despite yesterday's kerfluffle. Read a few dreary articles, mood was a bit low, but I felt better after the baby was put to bed and I got into my projects and started listening to some good podcasts. Small talked with S.O. when he woke up later. Got really absorbed in one of my projects, trying to get to a stop point, but it seemed like it was taking forever. When I finished I was completely exhausted and very ready to just go to sleep.

3/11/14 - Stupid Fucking Mood Journal

So S.O. was awake all night and I slept late, so he took baby in morning and went to sleep when he put the baby down for nap, so I took over when baby woke up. Was productive, mood was good, throughout day, even was visited by friend. I'm jumping between a lot of tasks, reading this, posting that, painting this, playing with that, and that's how it's been. I'm getting a lot of tasks done in slow increment, taking lots of breaks, working in spurts, but I feel like I'm achieving something. But I'm also staying up late. This is another night S.O. is berating me to go to bed, irritated with my sleep schedule. He came to my workshop in a huff, very aggressively insisting that I go to bed. Turned into an all-morning thing. He kept pushing the issue so hard and doing all the same annoying fucking shit he does all the time, until I just felt like a dog being kicked in the corner. I was trying so hard to keep my cool. I tried to get him to go cool down himself, to go away so I could cool down (because he was upsetting me, making me feel on guard), anything, but he wasn't having any of it so I had no out. I tried to just sit there keeping calm while he bantered on, tried to focus on what I was painting just to keep my head straight. He would not leave. He just kept berating me the way he does, belittling me and the way I think and telling me I'm fucked up and failing and stupid and I just got to where I just wanted to be dead and I wanted it to just be over. And I snapped. I broke my paintbrush and threw what it was I was painting and stormed out to another room. I laid on my mom's bed sobbing and just trying to get away from those thoughts.

You're doing fine, I said. You've been doing so well. You haven't failed. You've been doing so well for so long, it's okay. You were under stress. You don't have to be depressed and in a slump for weeks on end wishing you were dead. This is a setback but you can come back from it, just get take deep breaths and get yourself calm again. You can go back to being happy. You will be okay.

He came back in to make amends, that oncoming honeymoon phase. He told me how he felt (I don't know why he didn't just start there in the first place) and that I could understand. THAT made sense. Why didn't he just start there in the first place. And we talked a bit and I brought up an intimacy issue and he clammed up. I tried to talk about it but he clammed up. When he started opening up again, he tried being intimate and I withdrew so he got mad about it even though I was just talking about what the problem was. So now he stormed off. I tried to go fix it but then I was blown off, so I stormed off, and then he came and tried to fix it and I blew him off.

I am so sick of this shit.

Why can't I just be happy.

3/10/14 - Gliding

Stayed up too late and woke up a bit late, but still okay. Baby needing extra attention, saying words and wanting toilet training. Mood has been stable, lifted, and higher energy. Have still been able to get a lot of work done. Made a few sales, a trade, painted and worked on projects. Need to start on commissions still, but trying to keep myself energized with new projects and things I've been wanting to do, first. Watched cartoon and documentary with S.O. while working more. Stayed up too late again.

3/9/14 - Upper

On a good up-day streak. Mom helped with baby in morning, had good breakfast. Been talking to buyers and sellers and trading and buying and selling ponies, grinding social networks for followers, etc. Put together a short tutorial. Took mom to pick up truck from shop and came home, did some painting late into night. Stayed up too late, but felt good, productive throughout day.