The shooting spree in California that left 7 dead prompted an outpouring of stories on the hashtag and caused it to trend, after a Youtube video released by the killer revealed that his motives may have been rooted in his difficulties with women. I would just first like to note that this is only a fraction of the story, and his full manifesto reveals a whole myriad of alarming beliefs and thought processes, not just about women, but also about his racially superiority, disdain for the underclasses, and his entitlement to praise. I don't usually armchair diagnose, but I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to say that he clearly had narcissistic personality disorder, or something near to it. Of all the psychological disorders you can have, personality disorders like this one are the hardest ones to tackle and effectively treat, and this one in particular because it is very hard to convince someone who has grandiose delusions that they need help. As with most shooting sprees, calling the killer a madman, crazy, or sicko is in no way a satisfying explanation for why this happened, and only serves to stigmatize mental illness on the whole. He was, plain and simple, mentally ill. This is not time to debate about guns (indeed, he had no qualms about stabbing his victims either), it is not even a time to call for better mental health coverage in our national healthcare system (indeed, he came from such wealth he certainly had access). It is a time to call for more psychological and neurological research, to better understand these disorders so that we can better detect problems and take steps to intervene before tragedies like this happen.
That said, the killer justifying his actions by blaming women for choosing lesser men than him and leaving him a virgin was something that seemed to resonate well with certain individuals on the internet, namely men's rights activists and certain other men who felt victimized by being friendzoned.
They will be dismissed as "a few bad eggs" or "just internet trolls," but it is not that simple. These are all feelings we're familiar with, complaints we've heard from men online and in our lives. This is not new. This is not some kind of revelation. Elliot Rodger's actions are these beliefs made manifest. And if you read his manifesto, it's like reading all the worst internet trolls spilling out of one disturbed mind. Which makes you wonder: who's trolling?
This so-called "nice guy" was likely rejected by women precisely because he lacked empathy - a distinguishing trait of his personality disorder, as well as many other antisocial personality disorders. It is the human capacity to experience the emotions of another person, as well as to respond appropriately to those feelings. We have been making great progress in the field of neuroscience in identifying the brain regions associated with empathy, but we have a long way to go in developing any kind of immediate, 100% effective treatment for psychopaths. The good news is, empathy is something we can train. The article I linked suggests meditation, exercise, and volunteering as ways we can strengthen our capacity for empathy, which is of no surprise. We've known for a long time that these activities are good for our overall mental health, and this may very well be the reason. Some have even suggested we can use augmented reality to better understand other people and become more empathetic. But I would like to suggest another method: listening to and telling stories.
In an effort to prevent killing sprees like what was seen at Columbine, one Pennsylvania school is trying to teach its students empathy simply by having them tell each other deep, personal stories about themselves. Though it's too early to say for sure if this will stop senseless acts of violence, it seems to be making a difference for the students and the school's culture on the whole.
#YesAllWomen is an important opportunity for some much-needed empathy training. For too long we have told our young men that they were weak for shedding tears, that their feelings didn't matter, even that they need to turn in their "man" card if they do feel too much. This misguided socialization is at the heart of what creates men's violence. We train our boys to have as little empathy as possible, so that when the government sends them off to war, they can kill other humans without batting an eye (and when they do bat an eye, they go home with PTSD, and encounter barriers to treatment and even diagnosis). Their reward when they return: women and sex. With this system reinforced by the media and art, it's no wonder men learn to objectify women so. It is absolutely despicable what we are doing to young men. And it's killing women and men, and leaving women to lead lives in perpetual fear of men.
So go and read #YesAllWomen as an empathy exercise. It's okay to cry (we've certainly shed our share of tears). The more hostile you are to the idea of even checking it out, the more likely it is that you are the problem.
And yes, I did contribute to the stories being told. Here was my tweet:
"I did not mean for this to rhyme.... DAMN IT!"
The idea that, only a certain kind of woman gets sexualized and victimized, is ludicrous. Yes, ALL women experience these kind of things. Those who have nothing to report have likely grown so accustomed to the abuse and harassment, it just fades into the background. Indeed, last night I saw a few tweets by women who thought they had nothing to contribute, but upon reading the hashtag, found they had more to say than they thought.
One of my favorite tweets from the evening
These stories are important. In contributing to this continued empathy education, in my next post, I would like to tell the tl;dr version of my tweet. I hope this will provide some insight into what we, as women, experience every day, and perhaps help give strength to other women who are even now still afraid to tell their stories, even within the bounds of 140 characters.
Hold onto your butts.
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