3/28/14 - Standstill

I woke in the morn again at a good time, and tended to the baby. Mostly computer games again, took few breaks. Mood was low, had some invasive thoughts for a while and wouldn't go away. After putting baby to bed, when starting to get tired, became somewhat irritable, frustrated with games. Lost temper at computer, yelled, but did not slam anything. Went to get at a decent hour.

3/27/14 - Intervals

Woke up to alarm in morning, mood was stable, even a little cheery. I still ended up playing computer game much of the day, but took a few breaks to be with baby, read articles, check social networks, even cleared some of my tabs. Slowly starting to reintegrate self into world. Still need to finish baby's laundry, do own laundry. But I think I've found a fair compromise between playing my game and doing things. Will try to do more tomorrow. Going to bed at okay hour, better than yesterday at least.

3/26/14 - Slugging Along

Woke surprisingly early and feeling well rested, despite going to bed late. Fed baby, was in good spirits. Played too much computer games, but did get a little laundry done. Felt even better when some money business was settled with my mom.

S.O. and I decided to go out, so I finally took a much-needed shower, was refreshed. But I got sidetracked by my game because people were asking for me to do things for them, and I had a hard time saying no, even though S.O. was already going out the door. He got really mad at me over it, and I was getting frustrated with the 3 other people demanding my time because they were making things confusing and taking forever. Took longer than expected, frustrated by interactions, and then further irritated by S.O.'s impatience. There was some yelling back and forth, whether or not we would go out was up in the air. We eventually settled down enough to get everyone in the car to go. The conflict was discussed minimally. We both cooled down and have a nice evening out together for dinner.

At home put baby to bed and returned to game, played too late again. But still at least going to bed.

3/25/14 - Partial Progress

I woke up at an okay hour, took care of baby, but still spent much of the day playing on the computer. This time, however, I only played a couple hours before I actually got some work done. I started the baby's laundry, and when my mom got home I cleaned the baby's nursery, vacuumed, and even partially cleaned the bathroom. I played more computer games til late, later than I probably should have, but the day was at least a partial success. Mood was good, ate well, and felt especially better for getting at least one room in order.

3/24/14 - Scolding

I got up okay at a good hour and took care of the baby. Was crabby, snapping at S.O. about not being able to find hair ties, irritable. Played a lot of computer games again. Almost resigned to it at this point. Feels more productive than when I try in real life. Really should commit to getting things together and cleaning up and getting back on track tomorrow. Another convention confirmed, another commission, and I really need to get ready and get work done. I could probably get going if I just cleaned. The filth is getting to me. And even my mom is getting on my case now.

Going to bed late tonight. But at least I'm going to bed.

3/23/14 - Irregularity

My sleep has been so irregular, I've kept forgetting to post. Thursday night I slept perfectly, after having stayed up 2 days, but Friday I stayed up all night again, and Saturday I slept at a good hour. I woke up a bit late Sunday morning, but took care of things. I have been playing too much computer games. My work space has gone to shambles and I smell awful. I need to just step away from the computer, I know it. But it's alluring nonetheless.

I have commissions I need to do, stuff to ship out, conventions to prepare for. I really need to stop this. But sometimes, once I've stayed up so late, I start thinking, what's the point of going to bed now? Like right now. But I'm going to bed now. For real. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep, I don't even feel tired though I've been up all day.

3/19/14 - Slump

My sleep has been so messed up the last few days, I have mostly been staying up and playing games just to keep myself awake when with the baby, but sleeping in too late and staying up too late still. I fell asleep Wednesday night after putting the baby down, was exhausted from being up all day. But I've woken up now, around 1 AM and can't get back to sleep because my stomach is upset.

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to sleep for a few hours, and hopefully I can fix my sleep tonight.

3/16/14 - Sleep

Missed my Saturday journal, but tried to get to bed at a reasonable(ish) hour. Didn't wake up easily in the morning, was very tired, stomach hurt and didn't want to get up. Slept through most of day, until evening. Took care of baby, put him to bed, played game most of evening. Did not sleep.

3/14/14 - Pi

Woke up a little before noon to baby crying, had really hard time getting out of bed. Was starting to feel like it would be one of those days and despite prodding from S.O., couldn't seem to muster the motivation. Found myself slipping into self-pity, shame, thoughts of worthlessness, was puzzling over what exactly my motivation was composed of and what it would take to turn it back on. Eventually took a deep breath, shut off my mind, and started giving myself itty bitty goals to reach.

Just stand up and get out of bed, do you think you can do that? No, too much? Okay, let's just try propping yourself up a bit. Take your time.... there you go! Good. Now we're going to roll over. Whenever you're ready. Great job! Okay, now let's stand up...

I did this step by step until I got enough momentum to be able to tackle larger goals, and eventually it faded to the background and I moved into a rhythm for the day. I puttered away most of the afternoon, and only got moving to get errands run when I only had an hour left to get to the post office. But I pulled it off. One big check mark on the to-do list.

Later put baby to bed, watched TV show with S.O., and committed to go to bed after listing an item on Ebay. The quick task turned into a few hours of trying to decide whether to post it or not, talking to a friend to help decide what I should do, and being generally indecisive. Decided I should probably give up when it was already silly late to go to bed.

3/13/14 - Bored

Woke up later today, but enough to have a few hours with the baby, put him to bed. He's getting more difficult at bedtime, screams and cries when toys are put away.

I feel like I didn't get much done. I browsed online and did a little work on customs, but the whole world seemed quiet around me. I started a project, just for the hell of it, because it was an issue that was bothering me and I wanted to do something about it. It seems to have a lot of interest, even overnight. I feel nervous about that fact, like I'll let people down if it isn't successful.

I'm going to bed. I'm a little tired, but I'm more bored and just feel like laying down.

3/12/14 - Exhaustion

S.O. came in to apologize right before I went to sleep. I admitted I was completely exhausted with our continuous and seemingly pointless back and forth arguments. It was very frustrating, and tiring.

Having gone to sleep in the morning, I woke up later in the afternoon after the baby woke up from his nap. He was content to play, while I got to business. I managed to keep my pace going despite yesterday's kerfluffle. Read a few dreary articles, mood was a bit low, but I felt better after the baby was put to bed and I got into my projects and started listening to some good podcasts. Small talked with S.O. when he woke up later. Got really absorbed in one of my projects, trying to get to a stop point, but it seemed like it was taking forever. When I finished I was completely exhausted and very ready to just go to sleep.

3/11/14 - Stupid Fucking Mood Journal

So S.O. was awake all night and I slept late, so he took baby in morning and went to sleep when he put the baby down for nap, so I took over when baby woke up. Was productive, mood was good, throughout day, even was visited by friend. I'm jumping between a lot of tasks, reading this, posting that, painting this, playing with that, and that's how it's been. I'm getting a lot of tasks done in slow increment, taking lots of breaks, working in spurts, but I feel like I'm achieving something. But I'm also staying up late. This is another night S.O. is berating me to go to bed, irritated with my sleep schedule. He came to my workshop in a huff, very aggressively insisting that I go to bed. Turned into an all-morning thing. He kept pushing the issue so hard and doing all the same annoying fucking shit he does all the time, until I just felt like a dog being kicked in the corner. I was trying so hard to keep my cool. I tried to get him to go cool down himself, to go away so I could cool down (because he was upsetting me, making me feel on guard), anything, but he wasn't having any of it so I had no out. I tried to just sit there keeping calm while he bantered on, tried to focus on what I was painting just to keep my head straight. He would not leave. He just kept berating me the way he does, belittling me and the way I think and telling me I'm fucked up and failing and stupid and I just got to where I just wanted to be dead and I wanted it to just be over. And I snapped. I broke my paintbrush and threw what it was I was painting and stormed out to another room. I laid on my mom's bed sobbing and just trying to get away from those thoughts.

You're doing fine, I said. You've been doing so well. You haven't failed. You've been doing so well for so long, it's okay. You were under stress. You don't have to be depressed and in a slump for weeks on end wishing you were dead. This is a setback but you can come back from it, just get take deep breaths and get yourself calm again. You can go back to being happy. You will be okay.

He came back in to make amends, that oncoming honeymoon phase. He told me how he felt (I don't know why he didn't just start there in the first place) and that I could understand. THAT made sense. Why didn't he just start there in the first place. And we talked a bit and I brought up an intimacy issue and he clammed up. I tried to talk about it but he clammed up. When he started opening up again, he tried being intimate and I withdrew so he got mad about it even though I was just talking about what the problem was. So now he stormed off. I tried to go fix it but then I was blown off, so I stormed off, and then he came and tried to fix it and I blew him off.

I am so sick of this shit.

Why can't I just be happy.

3/10/14 - Gliding

Stayed up too late and woke up a bit late, but still okay. Baby needing extra attention, saying words and wanting toilet training. Mood has been stable, lifted, and higher energy. Have still been able to get a lot of work done. Made a few sales, a trade, painted and worked on projects. Need to start on commissions still, but trying to keep myself energized with new projects and things I've been wanting to do, first. Watched cartoon and documentary with S.O. while working more. Stayed up too late again.

3/9/14 - Upper

On a good up-day streak. Mom helped with baby in morning, had good breakfast. Been talking to buyers and sellers and trading and buying and selling ponies, grinding social networks for followers, etc. Put together a short tutorial. Took mom to pick up truck from shop and came home, did some painting late into night. Stayed up too late, but felt good, productive throughout day.

3/7/14 - Selling Stocks

Woke up at good time, felt a little cranky, didn't feel like doing much. In afternoon, went to stores and ran errands with mom, realized I've been spending too much and not selling enough. When I got home, after we put the baby down, started listing some items for sale on new forum. Was up all night listing, replying to messages, price checking, and did actually make a sale. Reaping the benefits of grinding my social networks, made a couple Ebay sales today, too.

Felt productive, absorbed in work. But staying up late might bite me in the ass.

3/6/14 - Flow State

Woke up at good hour, though a bit tired. It was raining all day, so baby had to stay inside. Second day in a row I haven't been able to get him down for a nap, though.

I got into working on a project I'd had on the backburner. Have a few commissions, but haven't gotten started on them just yet. Wanted to have some fun. Went to store with mom to pick up a couple supplies I needed to experiment with painting. Worked into the night, felt good.

3/5/14 - No Lights

Power was out when I woke up, so couldn't get much done during the day. Spent most of it outside with baby, taking pictures. Mom came home early, we addressed situation with power company, and went shopping for a few things. Was able to take care of some chores and business when I got home and power was back on. Mood has been stable, but I feel like I'm drifting through the day. It's weird. Really enjoyed the photos I took, posted them, hoping to sell some prints, maybe to family and stuff. We'll see what happens.

3/4/14 - Dull

Everything is a bit dull, though there are moments of serenity. I let the baby play outside today, a little too long out in the sun without lotion, and went for a walk to run an errand with him. Did not get much done, but also did not game too much either. Was not expecting S.O. home til late, so went to restaurant with family, ate well. Well after baby was down, went to store with S.O. to get materials for organization project. Discussed some family matters during trek, which got a little heated. Topic was touchy for him. Not sure if anything was accomplished in discussion or not. Took care of project til late. At least something got done.

3/3/14 - Production Line

Woke up at good hour, took care of baby. Mood was good, felt energetic even. Sorted through some inventory, played some computer games, did a little painting. Didn't get as much done as I'd wanted, but at least got moving. Got email about being put on a waitlist for vendor booth at big convention. Was excited for a while. Played games with friends and S.O., later realized other people got approved for their booth outright, and the convention still isn't a sure thing for me. Been sick with envy part of the evening, mood took a dip.

3/2/14 - Celebrations and Serenity

Have been spending a lot of time online, mostly doing some business stuff, but gaming quite a bit too. It was a nice day, so brought out the kiddie pool and let baby play while I relaxed in the sun. Had bad cramps, so had a hard time helping with cleaning like I said I would. Crashed early due to pain, but slept well.

Next day felt better, and went to store with mom, then S.O., and sister came over for birthday dinner later in the evening. Had a relaxing time with family, shared some laughs. Handled more business online, played some games, and slept well.

2/28/14 - Disturbances

Missed a few days again, mostly due to not sleeping right. Mood was a little low and didn't sleep on the 26th, and on the next day, had fight with S.O. Was fairly productive, but extremely intense. We talked, but I had not slept and was very tired, which made the discussion difficult. Got to sleep late, but slept well.

Woke up at decent hour, mood was stable throughout day, though felt emotionally drained from previous night and wonky sleep schedule. Attended to baby, and later went out to eat and watch sunset at beach with S.O. and baby. Got home, put baby to bed, and played game with S.O. and friends. Played game with another friend after S.O. went to bed.