2/25/14 - Blur

The last couple days have blurred together. Have not been particularly productive, but not very moody either. S.O. out of town on Monday, stayed up all night playing Minecraft again, and then I was trying to get on a forum. Spent a lot of time writing, talking to people. Was moodier on Tuesday, had a hard time paying attention to and putting up with baby's shenanigans. My mom was home, so she helped a bit. In the evening, I was so worn out and couldn't keep my eyes open. When S.O. got home and we were ready to put the baby to bed, I had a hard time participating, didn't want to change the baby because he had been headbutting me and being difficult. S.O. wouldn't do it either, put up a big stink about it. I eventually just asked my mom to step in, which she did. By that time, S.O. wouldn't even get out of bed, and I couldn't get him to explain what was wrong, he just kept whining worse than the baby. So I read a really short book and put the baby down, and laid down in bed myself.

2/23/14 - With Friends

Stayed up all night again, took care of baby in morning and headed out to friend's house in early afternoon. Spent all day helping with a fundraiser. Baby played with her kids, we ate there and relaxed some. Mood was stable, but I was really tired by end of day. A little snappy. Came home and put baby straight to bed. Tried to check stuff online, but kept dozing off at the computer, so went right to bed. Slept well.

2/22/14 - Sleepless

Went without sleep again. S.O. left early in the morning for a conference trip, baby woke up soon after and started my day. Posted about some troubling feelings I had bottled up on anonymous forum, mostly to vent. Had some thoughts of self-hate, but after a nap, mood stabilized. Have hardly been eating anything. Put baby to bed and got phone call from S.O. Played Minecraft on server. Not likely to sleep tonight either, since it's nearly morning already.

2/21/14 - Missed post

Missed yesterday's post, probably because I opted for not sleeping. Stayed up and took care of baby in morning, not much hope of getting anything done. When I put the baby down for a nap, I napped with my dog until S.O. came home and scolded me for my sleep patterns. Mood overall stable. Played computer games with friends and S.O.

Woke up at 11 AM to take care of baby, did well through day but played too much Minecraft. S.O. mad at me for that too. Meant to get work done on customs, but didn't.

Waiting all day for others to join me on server, want to play with friends, but they're never on. Afraid I'll miss them if I'm not playing or online. Mood still stable, but lonely, keeping myself distracted.

2/19/14 - Zero Progress

I woke up late again. Mood was stable, though got little done. Took care of baby and watched cartoons. Intended to get laundry done, but derailed by games. Ate a little, put baby to bed, and played another game with S.O. and friends until late. Played another game until even later.

2/18/14 - Lacking Motivation

Woke a little late today, but it wasn't as cold today so it was a bit easier to get up. Watched cartoons with baby and didn't feel very motivated to get much work done. Only got a little laundry done today, hardly and custom work. Put baby to bed and played game with some friends who invited me, enjoyed myself a bit.

2/17/14 - Tired

Woke up a little late today, despite alarm, but did get up. Very lazy, still tired and napped during day while baby played, did not get much done. Ate good meal when mom got home. Mood was stable, but very tired and didn't feel like doing much. General apathy seeping in, feeling very unmotivated. After baby was put to bed, downloaded game and played with S.O. Actually had a good time. Don't get to game much with him.

2/16/14 - Staying Level

Another relatively stable day. Woke at reasonable hour and did get a little work done. Finally took a shower, got started on laundry after S.O. separated clothes. Worked with my mom on some projects. Once it was evening though, the cold made it difficult to do any more work, and since I wasn't working, I was bored. Seems as though I am getting bored much more quickly when browsing online. I'd rather be working but the cold makes me so uncomfortable it's hard to sit down and get anything done.

Watched movie with S.O., likely heading to bed soon.

2/15/14 - Road Blocks

Had difficulty sleeping. Tried to go to sleep earlier, but was kept up by racing thoughts for a couple extra hours. Did eventually fall asleep, but slept in since my mom took care of the baby in the morning. Got out of bed late.

Went shopping and out to eat with mom in evening. Mood remained stable throughout. Came home late, too cold and didn't feel like working, but got bored after browsing internet a while. Tried to discuss future plans with S.O., conversation halted and difficult, felt like he wasn't interested in participating. Frustrated by attempts to discuss matters and walked away. Is especially frustrating because it's hard to make plans for my own life without taking his plans and feelings into account, and he makes it difficult to do that.

Still going to bed late, but fewer racing thoughts.

2/14/14 - Sensing an Updraft

Feeling pretty good today. Took a break from customs, napped during the day though I slept very well last night. Too cold, just wanted to curl up in blankets. Didn't intend to doze off, but I did. Feel a little stressed, anxious but not sure why. Almost antsy, even.

Browsed and chatted and debated with friends online. Got on a rant against spanking children. Went out late with partner and spent some time with a friend. Devoured articles online til late. Feeling an oncoming crusade. This happens a lot; I'll get very excited about an issue and want to do something about it, create my own pet project. Last time it was wanting to open a bookstore (unfortunately, a lot of my plans fell through and I couldn't get started on anything). This time I'm reading about all the research against spanking children and other projects and movements and petitions and documentaries for this cause. I'm getting excited about it. It's a cause that is very important to me (but a lot of things are), and I want to be able to do something about. Whether or not that is plausible is up in the air.

2/13/14 - All-Nighter

Didn't sleep, worked through night and morning and wasn't done until early afternoon, then had to make a trip to post office. Felt a little irritable with baby an S.O. through day, but mood was otherwise stable and even okay. Fell asleep in living room shortly after putting baby to bed.

2/12/14 - Hopeful

Mood stable today. Stayed up late (but not as late as yesterday), got up late (but not as late as yesterday), and did get more work done.

Tried to get taxes done today, but plan fell through, and I was a little upset about it. Got in argument with S.O. which was kind of explosive, unnecessarily so, I thought. But he assured me we had managed to make it productive, and it at least seemed to come to a quick resolution, relative to some of our other more drawn-out arguments. A little yelling from both parties, but nothing too bad.

Hoping to wrap up a couple customs as the night progresses and ship them tomorrow. Hopefully. Writing idea rolling around in the back of my mind that really wants to get written. Might let myself indulge once I finish these commissions.

2/11/14 - Productivity

A little better today. Overslept immensely, after staying up way too late. S.O. came home from school early, so we went to store and got a couple things I needed. Also a birthday cake for my grandfather. Realized I had a bit of an appetite, that would not be satiated by cookies or light snacks. So actually ate real food, and was motivated to do so.

Finally started getting some real work done, will likely continue working through the night. Still have a lot of little things in my way that need to be dealt with. Should probably write a to-do list. But mood has been stable, at least.

2/10/14 - Leveling Out

Mood more stable today, even had some moments of cheer. No more productive than last few days, but still managed to feel heartened by some of the things I read or watched or listened to. Did a little laundry. Good signs.

Rough interactions with S.O., though nothing particularly explosive. Just walked away, didn't want to deal with it.

Feeling unsupported, ignored, but sensing an incoming updraft, so feeling a little more hopeful. Still kicking myself for not getting things done, however.

2/9/14 - On the Seventh Day

Spent most of the day in bed today. Too comfy, knew I wasn't going to get anything done anyway, and my mom started taking care of the baby before I even woke up, so there was nothing forcing me to get up. S.O. tried to get me up for a while before he gave up. I don't think I roused until about 5 PM or so.

Ate, browsed internet, and watched my mom work on projects on the new sewing machine. Posted some stuff on Facebook and DeviantART. A little excited about having the sewing machine and being able to make new things, though I still have to learn to use it myself. Otherwise, didn't actually achieve anything myself today.

Drifted through remainder of day without much event. Feeling a little trapped; most of the things I want to accomplish I can't because of forces out of my control. Forced to rely on other people for things, who don't follow through on getting those things done. Extremely frustrating, demoralizing. Was supposed to get taxes done and go to a critique group this week, still need to go to store, and there is a general unwillingness from the people I have to rely on to coordinate efforts to make these things happen. It's just not important enough to them, or they don't understand that any of these things are important to me.

So much for a support network.

2/8/14 - Partly Cloudy

Less hopelessness today, though I was hoping to get more done. None of the tasks we planned to do today happened, and it is unlikely they will happen tomorrow either. Feeling unproductive, but balanced against quiet time with S.O. and baby. Feelings of lethargy, self-disgust, and apathy present, but muted. Having actual physical contact with others probably helped.

I find myself, against previous expectations, actually missing the closeness of nursing, but it's probably only because the baby woke up tonight screaming bloody murder for no apparent reason, which he does from time to time. Not only was it easier when I was nursing to put a nipple in his mouth to get him back to sleep so I didn't have to listen to him "cry it out" but I find sometimes I want to cuddle for my own comfort. It's good for the baby, too, but he really isn't much of a cuddler outside of his midnight awakenings.

Writing is making me more self-conscious about my mood, and I find myself thinking ahead: "So what am I going to write about tonight?" Not exactly the purpose of this journal for me to plan out my entry ahead of time, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

2/7/14 - Dreamscape Companionship

Today was a bit better than yesterday. I actually got those photos done, posted the new customs, and even got an Ebay sale. I did this pretty early on so I at least felt more productive, like suddenly this small move forward justified spending most of the day consuming half the internet. Fewer thoughts of worthlessness today; still there, but now muted.

Had a hard time getting up this morning, but only because my dreams offered more comfort than I expected from the day ahead. Indulged in the guilty pleasure of others' companionship in my dreamscape, though it was not without a friend in my head there reminding me that I should be ashamed. A reminder of my chronic loneliness of late.

Relaxed with whole family in living room this evening, an unusual treat, since the S.O. usually avoids any and all interactions with everyone else. Stress over money is starting to seep in already. Not sure if what we have will last through the semester, and not sure how well we'll be able to get by with the complications I've encountered with my government assistance. I wish desperately that I didn't have to rely on these things. Desperately. I haven't even looked for a job for the last five or six months. The number of rejection emails I get is just too demoralizing to stomach, and besides, I'm not going to be able to find a job I'm as passionate about as the one I had before.

I just try not to think about it.

2/6/14 - Waiting for an Updraft

I thought I'd caught an updraft a few days ago, but I didn't achieve the "liftoff" I'd been hoping for. I've been dragging my feet all day today, trying to take some photos of customs I've completed so they can be listed on Ebay and DeviantART and such, but I keep getting distracted. Reading news articles, refreshing Facebook, listening to NPR stories... Even when I step away from the computer, I just find myself snacking on cookies and watching cartoons with the baby. Not exactly mom of the year material here.

Feelings of hopelessness and halfhearted wishes of nonexistence drift in and out throughout the day. I'm just floating here, waiting for something. If you weren't such a piece of shit, I hear myself, you'd be making something happen.

The S.O. keeps nagging me, that I should keep a mood journal. And I really should be writing more. So here we are, killing two birds with one stone. This is just about tracking my mood, so don't expect Shakespeare. Because I'm not expecting an audience.