4/28/12 - Too Much Games

Been playing too much games, but now that I have a faction to be invested in, it's hard not to. We're a tight little group. At least it's some semblance of socializing.

I was going to take a break today from the game, but had a lot of faction drama happen and suck me in. I'll try harder tomorrow. I really want to get back on track with commissions and stuff. I feel like I can tackle some chores and be okay.

S.O. has not been the best about giving assignments, and I am not really being very good about doing them. I should try harder to get us back on that, it seemed to be working for a time. I might need more positive reinforcement, since when I did get things done, there didn't seem to be much feedback about it.

4/22/14 - Falling Off

Woke up good time, took care of baby, but spent most of day on computer. Didn't clean living room like I said I would and was assigned. Been getting lazy again. Went to bed late.

4/21/14 - Chill

Woke up at good hour, took care of baby. Assignment was to clean snake cage again, but did not get around to it. Spent a lot of time on computer game, finishing last of laundry, etc. Mood was stable, got tired early. Retired at 11.

4/20/14 - Holiday

Woke up and handed baby off to mom, continued working on laundry as assignment for the day. Nearly finished it, but still have a little left. Spent lot of time with mom and siblings, friends, for holiday. Did egg hunt with baby and watched him open his basket. Very relaxing overall. Actually took my mind off things for a bit.

Was a little irritable with S.O. in evening, was tired and felt he was being needlessly argumentative. Played computer game a lot between laundry and family activities, and a lot at night. Going to bed later than I'd like, but at least it's not 7 am.

4/19/14 - Holiday Preparations

My assignment today was to do the laundry (which I was actually grateful for), and so I got up at a reasonable time and my mom fed the baby breakfast, and I played on the computer for a bit before getting started. I was able to play throughout the day between loads of laundry (and now that my faction has AFK farms set up, it was easy). I washed the sheets and blankets first and then did the baby's clothes, but by the time the day was over, I had hardly gotten any of our clothes done. But there was significant progress, still.

This system is working okay, but I'm still worried about my commissions. I still haven't gotten back to work...

4/18/14 - Keep Going

I was able to get up in the morning again, but S.O. was not, as he was not feeling well still. He did not give me my next assignment until 2 pm, which was to eat two meals for the day. It was almost too late for that, but I ate a sandwich and we ate dinner together. I spent most of the day playing games and taking care of the baby. Mood was stable, felt pretty good.

Argued a bit with faction members, but I didn't get heated (though they did). Was a little annoyed at their attitudes, but for the most part was unruffled by it.

Stayed up too late again; will likely only get a couple hours' sleep.

4/17/14 - New Methods

I decided last night try something new. If I couldn't set goals for myself to keep motivated, maybe it would help if someone else set them for me. So I asked my S.O. to give me a small "assignment" for the day. If I had to answer to him, and if I was doing it to make someone else happy rather than myself, perhaps I would be more motivated to do it. After explaining the idea, he assigned me to clean up some garbage in front of the house that had been sitting there forever. If I could do that, also take care of another couple things in the yard. No pressure.

In order to get myself to do any of those things, I first had to sleep enough, get up on time, probably eat breakfast so I would keep getting up on time for other assignments, take a shower so I would feel decent enough to step outside, get dressed, and all during this, get the baby ready to go outside and make sure his needs were met. The assignment was simple, but it forced me to do other things, too. Which I did manage to do. I did not have self-loathing thoughts all through the day, though I did struggle to get up at first a bit. I found having the assignment was a more effective motivating force.

By the time I had gotten myself ready for the tasks at hand, it was about noon. I was playing a little computer games between tasks, but at this point got a little tied up working on a project with faction members. By the time we were done it was about 5 PM and S.O. was home. He said nothing about the tasks not being done, but he was not feeling well anyway. After the baby woke up from his nap, I took him out and cleaned up the front yard while he played. Though I did not get to the other two tasks assigned, I moved on to other small tasks that weren't assigned, but were related and I knew needed to be done. I took out the trash in the nursery and bathroom, and filled a hole in the yard that everyone kept stepping in since we moved here. I swept the porch, set up an outside garbage can, and played with the baby a bit. It wasn't too hot out, but by the time my mom got home I was tired and hungry, and a little sunburned. After dinner, I put the baby down and played my computer game all night, but didn't feel shitty about it because I had gotten a lot done, albeit small tasks. Going to bed late again, not feeling very tired, but I think I'll be okay.

4/16/14 - Try Again

Didn't sleep, was lethargic all day. Played a lot of computer games. Failed at potty training so bad, don't even want to type out the incident. Felt shitty and like a failure. Mom came home and yelled at me, as if that would get me out of my slump. I know she's just worried. I couldn't even muster the energy to be mad at her. I just told her she wasn't helping. She got off my back when I said, "Yes, yes, I know. I am a complete and horrible failure as a mother and human being. Thank you for reminding me." It seemed this got across the message that she was doing more harm than good.

Dragged through day, managed to get by. Ate something for breakfast for once, and a decent dinner. Hopefully the late-night snack I had doesn't mess up my sleep too bad. It is still pretty late, but I will probably go to bed. Hopefully in the morning I'll wake up at a good time.

4/15/14 - Shit

Woke up at 6 pm, felt guilty all day. Deluded myself into thinking S.O. had taken care of baby in morning and put him down for nap, but I had just slept through the day and the baby hadn't cried, or if he had, it hadn't woken me up.

Spent most of evening kicking myself, feeling like a complete failure as a parent. Remarkably, S.O. did not berate me for oversleeping so severely, which I was grateful for. Stayed up all night listening to podcasts, playing computer game. Did not sleep.

4/14/14 - sleepless

I have not been sleeping right again. Sunday night I dozed off in the living room while watching TV and woke up at 2 am, but didn't get back to sleep after that. Stayed up all night. Was a bit crabby in the morning. Played a lot of computer game because felt like I'd be too tired to focus on customs. Stayed up through night again. Not sure if I should sleep at 7 am. Can't say for sure which would be worse, staying up or going to sleep this late.

4/12/14 - Wasted Day

Slept most of the day. Was surprised when S.O. told me the crying baby I heard was the baby going down for a nap, not waking up for the morning. Was also surprised later when he told me it was 7 pm. At that point I didn't see any reason to get out of bed, but he nagged at me til I got up anyway. Felt like crap about sleeping all day, but didn't feel guilty since S.O. was taking care of baby. Did feel guilty that the dogs didn't get let out until I got up, since my mom is gone for the weekend.

After we fed the baby and put him to bed, we ate and watched TV together, then watched a cartoon episode on my computer. I finally mustered up the energy to fix my bench and set up my work space. That's about all I can muster for now though. Didn't want the day to be a complete waste.

4/11/14 - Euthanasia Roller Coaster

Friend posted a link to an article about a hypothetical euthanasia roller coaster. Sounds more appealing than it should. Did not help by self-destructive thoughts for the day.

Tried to do something today. But was really tired. Napped a lot while baby played. Mom is out for weekend for her birthday, so I won't be able to use her as a crutch. I probably won't starve or completely neglect my parenting obligations. Probably.

Been spending too much time online looking at things other people have done/are doing and wondering why I can't just do things. Can't even do my taxes. S.O. is working on them, and I am overwhelmed by the prospect that I might have to work on getting my hands on my actual W2s. The thought of it just makes me want to cry. It literally makes me a little teary.

Had small creative impetus to create comics, did some shitty stick figure stuff to supplement mood journaling effort. It feels like it captures the challenges better than writing words does.

4/10/14 - Failure at Sleep

Keep staying up late. Gotta stop doing that. But at least I'm not playing video games this time. I'm just being enthralled with movie reviews.

Slowly getting back into social networks, communicating with the rest of the world. Find it generally unsatisfying, but at least I'm doing it. Still feeling really disengaged, disenchanted, distinctly unhopeful. But I might start working again soon. I keep getting messages. Tiny social reminders that hey, I have obligations to fulfill because some people gave me money. Really need to get on those commissions.

I'm just bored at this point. Not really feeling it.

4/9/14 - Do Something

I went to bed later and got up later again. Late enough I felt guilty.

Though today was my and my S.O.'s 9 year anniversary, so after he got home and my mom cooked dinner, she agreed to watch the baby while we went out. We got shakes and took a while figuring out what we wanted to do, since there wasn't much we were interested in doing. We ended up going to see a movie in an empty theater, which turned out to be great. I actually really like going to the theater, but my S.O. hates the crowds, but on a Wednesday night it was dead - there was literally not a single person in the theater with us. Plus, the movie was actually really good.

After the movie, I've felt a bit more energized. For some reason, I kind of want to write again. I have been feeling like giving up for days. But today, it occurred to me that if I felt like giving up anyway, I might as well "give up" by doing the thing I'm so afraid of failing at doing.... It's not making much sense as I try to explain it here, but it makes more sense in my head.

I've also had some emails going with a project I stuck my head in a few weeks back, the Sunday Assembly (basically an atheist church). Perhaps that will turn into something to get me active. Sometimes I just feel like I need other energized, like-minded people to give me momentum. Just need to know other people care about the things I want to do, that those things make a difference in other people's lives. Sometimes it feels like that's all I need to get myself back on my feet.

I got kind of bored with my computer game anyway and haven't been playing much. Not even with my AFK farms. I miss doing things. Even if it feels impossible to get myself moving right now.

4/8/14 - Inattention

I've been completely forgetting to do this thing lately. I've been avoiding most of my social networks, being immersed in my game on the server. I'm making a lot of AFK farms though, so I'm making myself walk away from the computer for longer stretches of time.

My sleep has been more stable, though I am still falling asleep kind of late (anywhere from midnight to 5 AM). But I haven't had any bad all-nighters lately.

I have been having a lot of negative thoughts here and there, and I'm starting to feel like maybe my life isn't really hopeless, maybe my brain is just making me think that and keeping me from doing anything about it. I'm starting to feel so beaten down by these moods that for the first time I'm starting to think medication might be a good idea. Though I'm still not too keen on it. It just feels like me giving up some more.

Nothing is making me happy. I've just been numb, unmotivated. I've been building a lot of things in-game, but my workshop has been stagnant. I really can't afford to keep being like this.

4/1/14 - A Good Cry Later

I cried a bit last night and felt somewhat better today. I still played a lot of my computer game, but I did a lot of AFK stuff, so I did finally fold the baby's laundry and clean up my workshop. I was going to start on customs, but the cat broke my bench so I have to fix that first. I posted some online, I made a couple topics on the MLP forum, checked some messages (but not all, kind of overwhelming).

No self-destructive thoughts today, but I'm still kind of unhappy. Partly from being miserable on my period today. But mostly from just being miserable.

3/31/14 - Lost

It's not that I haven't been sleeping. I've been going to sleep all right, in fact. I just keep forgetting to do this thing. I have been going to bed, at first at a good hour, then reasonable, then okay, and just later and later until I'm cutting it close to messing up my sleep again. I keep getting lost in my games and I don't want to come out. And it's so much easier to get immersed now that I'm on a server with a community. Though no one there really knows me. I haven't made any meaningful relationships or anything. It's just people.

The other day, I got some mail about my retirement plan, which I signed up for and made one payment to just before getting fired. It reminded me of the job I lost, and how much I feel like a failure for getting derailed from my dreams not once, but twice. I had to fight back the tears, and the aggravation was compounded by my S.O. implying I needed to be on meds because I was in a mood. Medication won't fix my life, I told him.

I just feel like there's no place for me in the world. Like I'm not needed. I keep getting further and further down on myself and have no way out. I just want to give up. I just want it to end. And I'm in that state again where my thoughts are starting to scare me. I don't have the will right now to just shut them off.

I've been eating a little better, sleeping a bit better, but I haven't actually gotten any better. The downs are more frequent and the ups are always fewer and farther between. The problems seem too big. my doubts insurmountable.

My workshop has gotten so out of hand, it's hard to even come through it. My mom cleaned through some boxes and I ended up with a pile of junk in my way and nowhere to put it, and then the cat broke my workbench and spilled everything on top of it all. I know I should be doing commissions, and I made an Ebay sale a week ago now that I haven't even shipped out yet. I'm getting worse about changing the baby's diaper in a timely manner. On top of everything, I feel like a failure as a mother. And isn't that just the shittiest feeling. Failing as a job any idiot can manage to pull off minimally.

Sometimes I wish it would just all go away. Shake it away like an Etch-a-Sketch.