3/31/14 - Lost

It's not that I haven't been sleeping. I've been going to sleep all right, in fact. I just keep forgetting to do this thing. I have been going to bed, at first at a good hour, then reasonable, then okay, and just later and later until I'm cutting it close to messing up my sleep again. I keep getting lost in my games and I don't want to come out. And it's so much easier to get immersed now that I'm on a server with a community. Though no one there really knows me. I haven't made any meaningful relationships or anything. It's just people.

The other day, I got some mail about my retirement plan, which I signed up for and made one payment to just before getting fired. It reminded me of the job I lost, and how much I feel like a failure for getting derailed from my dreams not once, but twice. I had to fight back the tears, and the aggravation was compounded by my S.O. implying I needed to be on meds because I was in a mood. Medication won't fix my life, I told him.

I just feel like there's no place for me in the world. Like I'm not needed. I keep getting further and further down on myself and have no way out. I just want to give up. I just want it to end. And I'm in that state again where my thoughts are starting to scare me. I don't have the will right now to just shut them off.

I've been eating a little better, sleeping a bit better, but I haven't actually gotten any better. The downs are more frequent and the ups are always fewer and farther between. The problems seem too big. my doubts insurmountable.

My workshop has gotten so out of hand, it's hard to even come through it. My mom cleaned through some boxes and I ended up with a pile of junk in my way and nowhere to put it, and then the cat broke my workbench and spilled everything on top of it all. I know I should be doing commissions, and I made an Ebay sale a week ago now that I haven't even shipped out yet. I'm getting worse about changing the baby's diaper in a timely manner. On top of everything, I feel like a failure as a mother. And isn't that just the shittiest feeling. Failing as a job any idiot can manage to pull off minimally.

Sometimes I wish it would just all go away. Shake it away like an Etch-a-Sketch.