So S.O. was awake all night and I slept late, so he took baby in morning and went to sleep when he put the baby down for nap, so I took over when baby woke up. Was productive, mood was good, throughout day, even was visited by friend. I'm jumping between a lot of tasks, reading this, posting that, painting this, playing with that, and that's how it's been. I'm getting a lot of tasks done in slow increment, taking lots of breaks, working in spurts, but I feel like I'm achieving something. But I'm also staying up late. This is another night S.O. is berating me to go to bed, irritated with my sleep schedule. He came to my workshop in a huff, very aggressively insisting that I go to bed. Turned into an all-morning thing. He kept pushing the issue so hard and doing all the same annoying fucking shit he does all the time, until I just felt like a dog being kicked in the corner. I was trying so hard to keep my cool. I tried to get him to go cool down himself, to go away so I could cool down (because he was upsetting me, making me feel on guard), anything, but he wasn't having any of it so I had no out. I tried to just sit there keeping calm while he bantered on, tried to focus on what I was painting just to keep my head straight. He would not leave. He just kept berating me the way he does, belittling me and the way I think and telling me I'm fucked up and failing and stupid and I just got to where I just wanted to be dead and I wanted it to just be over. And I snapped. I broke my paintbrush and threw what it was I was painting and stormed out to another room. I laid on my mom's bed sobbing and just trying to get away from those thoughts.
You're doing fine, I said. You've been doing so well. You haven't failed. You've been doing so well for so long, it's okay. You were under stress. You don't have to be depressed and in a slump for weeks on end wishing you were dead. This is a setback but you can come back from it, just get take deep breaths and get yourself calm again. You can go back to being happy. You will be okay.
He came back in to make amends, that oncoming honeymoon phase. He told me how he felt (I don't know why he didn't just start there in the first place) and that I could understand. THAT made sense. Why didn't he just start there in the first place. And we talked a bit and I brought up an intimacy issue and he clammed up. I tried to talk about it but he clammed up. When he started opening up again, he tried being intimate and I withdrew so he got mad about it even though I was just talking about what the problem was. So now he stormed off. I tried to go fix it but then I was blown off, so I stormed off, and then he came and tried to fix it and I blew him off.
I am so sick of this shit.
Why can't I just be happy.
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