Unloading Shit

I didn't write yesterday because I posted my writing so late the night before, I thought it superfluous. But I had a hard time sleeping because I spent all night being an information vortex, I stayed up until past 5 AM and then couldn't even readily get to sleep. I had too many thoughts racing through my head.

The things I really want to think about and write about are starting to get pushed out by all the things I don't want to think about and are too shallow to want to write about, so I think I'm just going to unload the pressures in one stream-of-consciousness turd.

Electric bill is overdue. Appliance rental guys came by yesterday to ask when we'd pay, because that's overdue too. Car insurance is due, not to mention we're still sharing the car with my mom, who's truck broke down and she doesn't have to money to either fix or replace it. Food stamps are out for the month, no milk in our fridge for days now. Down to our last $50 and not sure which bill to put it toward. Afraid to use the money I have put away for conventions on bills because I need that money to make more money later. But I'll probably have to use it all for rent. Papa's still in rehab after surgery for his hip, won't be coming back. Dishes are my job. Cleaning the house is my job. Dogs I don't want shit everywhere. Been hungry for two days, even though I've eaten. Laundry needs to be done. Can barely dress myself. Need to work on customs for conventions, but also need to write. One will bring money in later, one will maintain my sanity. The sinking realization that I will kill myself if I don't write. I will go completely and utterly insane if I don't write. Wanting to write too many things. Too many ideas. Not enough time to write them all. But at least I'm writing some, and that's all I can tell myself. We need to pay bills, pay bills now, and writing is too long term an investment. Afraid to keep writing, but afraid to stop. Desperately wish to be in school again. Desperately wish to be doing something that mattered. Have to trust family to deal with everything because I can't. Feeling like a failure for not contributing, feeling like a failure because I can't keep it together, feeling like a failure because I know they need my help. Crying because I feel completely trapped. Because this is how I know the depression takes hold. It seems completely hopeless yet somehow I have to keep moving forward. Bigger world problems seem easier than this poverty. At least they make sense. At least they're solvable. Every day I'm in a Catch-22. But there is only one of me. I can't spread myself any thinner than I am. I will snap. My brain will just break.

I think I'm just going to try to find something to eat and paint all day. I feel a little better just getting that out. At least if I go crazy, people will know why. #poverty.