I think I'll be going back to my usual drag of talking about myself, but because... I don't know. I guess I feel like my brain is slowing down. Like my thoughts are trying to run through molasses and it's hard to even think of words. That active internal monologue that's been running so fluidly since I started writing seems to have gone silent. I started feeling worse last night. I hadn't had any particularly negative interactions online or at home. No fights, no hostilities. I just started to feel dragged down. It didn't help that I hardly did anything yesterday; didn't paint, didn't write, didn't do any of the chores that desperately needed to be done. For a moment I had some self-destructive thoughts that I deflected pretty easily, but the negative thinking manifested itself in other ways, like feeling like everyone else is an idiot, and that sense of hopelessness I'm starting to feel about the state of some of the chores, and even a little about the state of the world (but only a little).
My sleep is good, and in fact I'm getting tired and going to bed before midnight, and today I woke up in the morning hours before the baby. My appetite is fine, but because of the state of the kitchen, and because the cabinets are a little bare right now, I haven't been eating as well or as regularly as I need to be. Yesterday in particular I felt like I couldn't do anything at all because I had so little energy to commit to anything. Even though I ate this morning, it hasn't been enough to take the weight off that's dragging me down. I don't feel like I can deal with anything, and eventually just want to sleep. It's a less aggressive form of not wanting to exist or wanting to kill myself, sleeping through the rest of the day. It's not that I'm tired, it's the appeal of unconsciousness. Although, at the moment, I am legitimately tired, the appeal of unconsciousness is still especially powerful.
I think it would be fair to say this is the onset of a depressive episode. However, it does not seem to be coming on as strongly as usual.
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